Monday, October 4, 2010

I'm a survivor...

I'm gonna make it
I'm a survivor
I will survive
-Destiny's Child, Survivor

Thanks, y'all for letting me vent a little on my last post. I'm sorry for complaining about the little things, when I have so many blessings to be thankful for. I may need the occasional reminder that doing the dishes is, in fact, a blessing. It means I have eyes to see, arms to move, legs I can stand on, food on my table, and well-fed children. It's just remembering to see it that way.

I guess the root of my frustration is a bit of PTSD mixed with a healthy dose of survivor's guilt. You know, the way plane crash survivors think, "Why me? What am I supposed to do with my life that was so important? Why was I was spared?"

I spent weeks in the hospital thinking, "Why me? Why do I have to watch my child suffer when so many friends think a sick kid means an ear infection?" I also spent quite a bit of time whining, "Why Jay? Why does he have to endure so much pain when his friends are off hanging from the monkey bars and laughing?"

Now, I'm struggling with the flip side of that coin -- Why me? Why do I have the miracle baby? Why did I come home with two healthy children when so many who are reading this blog right now have lost a child? What are the expectations that come with this awesome second chance?

One of the blogs that I read from another heart mom, Team Ewan, lost baby Ewan today. They had to make the agonizing decision to take him off ECMO. Reading her words, I cried. I know how close we were to that. I can't imagine that kind of pain. There have been hundreds, no thousands of people praying for Ewan. There were that many praying for Jay. Where is God in all of this?

I know that these "why me" questions are questions that have no answers. This is one of those times when my limited understanding of God and God's role in this world leaves me confused. And occasionally frustrated. The conclusions I keep coming to are not satisfying and leave me with more questions than answers. And I promise you that I'm not asking you to give me simple answers to something that theologians have struggled with for ages.

So, I am trying to stop asking. To trust that I'll understand more someday. To enjoy this day - and each tiny moment within this day. To laugh at the joy a two year old finds in eating a sausage biscuit. (Actually, just the sausage - I ate the biscuit.) To marvel at how a 7 month old can spread food across the high chair tray, down the wall, and onto the floor. To savor that evening walk with my family and truly appreciate each step together. Because, whatever God's role in the workings of the world, I know that these are blessings to be savored.


Kat said...

Hugs to you! It was so wonderful to see your family out enjoying the cooler weather tonight. I don't have have any answers about God and his plan, I just have faith that his way is the best and right way. Not always easy for us "super" mom's to have when we look for answers to all that is asked.

Hey...let Jay know I said WHY!! What a fun stage for you guys. Enjoy everything!
Kat Moncol
(your Hillmer neighbor)

Cara Lynn said...

Hey Jen,
Been planning to write you a "real note" all week, but couldn't find quite the right words. Then I uncovered this poem that was so very important to me at a "questioning" time in my own life...Hope it helps (and I'm writing it as I saw it-without caps)

i beg have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer... (rainer maria rilke)

And just to let you know, there are lots of us that have seen how well you have gotten to the point--of living everything.

Anonymous said...

Farther Along
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my sister, live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by